1836 February
“People understand me so little that they do not even understand when I complain of being misunderstood…I have just returned from a party of which I was the life and soul; wit poured from my lips, everyone laughed and admired me – but I went away – and the dash should have been as long as the earth’s orbit —————- and wanted to shoot myself.”
1847 August
“I must come to closer grips with my melancholy. It has until now lain deep down and the tremendous intellectual strain has helped to keep it down. That my work has profited others, that God has approved it and helped me in every way is sure enough. Again and again I thank him for having done infinitely more for me than I ever expected…I shall therefore remain quiet…and try to understand myself, and really think out the idea of my melancholy together with God here and now. That is how I must get rid of my melancholy and bring Christianity closer to me.”
1848 May
“My life began with a terrible melancholy, in its earliest youth deranged in its very deepest foundations, a melancholy which threw me for a time into sin and debauchery and yet (humanly speaking) almost more insane than guilty…so I grasped eternity with the blessed assurance that God is love, even though I was to suffer thus all my life; yes, with that blessed assurance. That is how I looked upon my life.”
These are only a few of the numerous references to depression and suicidal impulses that Sǿren Kierkegaard discloses in his journals. There are many more. They are one of the reasons that I feel an affinity for this 19th century Christian brother.
Of course, Kierkegaard lived long before any medical treatments, or even talk therapy, were available for people suffering with depression. Which makes it all the more amazing (to me, anyway) that he not only managed to withstand his periodic suicidal impulses – I am oh so happy that he never shot himself! – but that his chronic depression eventually played an important role in the circumstances that drew him to faith in Christ.
The Christian Kierkegaard’s openness about his depression and its interactions with his trust in Jesus teach me a number of valuable lessons:
Even when Sǿren was twisted into knots by the darkest, psychic oppression, he continued to search for life’s answers in relationship with his heavenly Father. If there is any meaning to be found in life, he knew that it appears as we surrender ourselves more and more completely to the Father of Jesus Christ. He never gave up on faith in Jesus, though I am sure that he felt like it many times. That persistent faith assured him that we are deeply, deeply loved by God whatever else our terrors, sadness, or emotional despair may try to insinuate in moments weakness and vulnerability.
Though Kierkegaard struggled with temptation, he never surrendered himself to believing that his depression was a divine punishment or judgment. He did not allow the experience of depression to determine his faith in the Lord. Just the opposite. He knew that he had been forgiven and accepted by God. Even though it must have created a torturous, existential contradiction, Sǿren found a way (just like the psalmist) to live by faith even as he “walked through the valley of the shadow of death.” Kierkegaard was often a depressed believer, but he was a believer nonetheless. And he held to the truth that God always loved His children, even when they were depressed children. The adjective (depressed) didn’t matter. Faith clung to the noun (child of God).
Rather than blame God for his suffering and angrily pull away from the Father, Kierkegaard used his suffering as a vehicle for reflection and self-understanding. There are things that even the depressed person must choose by force of will. Kierkegaard eventually saw his depression as a gift from God, for he was convinced that melancholy (as he put it) was essential to his psychological insights and productivity as a religious author. A lifetime of struggle with depression and thoughts of suicide molded him into the man God wanted to use.
In a sense, then, depression became the cross that Kierkegaard carried throughout his life of Christian discipleship. His writings were intended to help the Danish national church open its eyes to the true gospel of Jesus Christ. Sǿren was, in effect, an evangelist to all the people of Denmark. Depression became his tutor directing him into the various avenues he explored for communicating the real Christian gospel to a nation of people who already thought they knew it all. As he neared the end of his life, Kierkegaard acknowledged the privilege of being used by God in this way and genuinely expressed his gratitude for the “life of melancholy” that kept him praying, seeking, thinking, studying, writing, believing and hoping.
For Jesus said, “If anyone wants to come after me, you must deny yourself and take up your cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me and for the gospel will save it.” (Mark 8:34-35)
I pray that I will imitate Kierkegaard in the way that he took up his cross for Jesus.
