Stories of Self-Denial, 1

With the encouragement of some close friends, I have decided to share a few stories with you from my life.  I have been following Jesus – not always with perfect faithfulness, but those are a different set of stories; I mention that fact here to clarify that I am not making any claims to an exceptional Christian life, only a Christian life – for some 45+ years.

I don’t have as many years ahead of me as I have trailing behind me.  Lately, I have felt the Holy Spirit’s prompting, I suspect (I am not certain; that’s why I asked my friends’ advice), to share these experiences for the encouragement of others.  The memory of God’s good work should not die with the individual.  And God has been very good to me over the years.  These stories are told here in order to praise God by letting you know how good He has been to me.  (Check out my post about the Biblical meaning of “praise.”)

I firmly believe that self-denial is at the heart of obedient Christian discipleship.  Jesus could not speak any more clearly.  He says:

“If anyone wants to follow me, they must deny themselves, take up their cross and follow me.  For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me and the gospel will save it.” (Mark 8:34-35)

Self-denial is the heart of the good news.  Self-denial defined every day of Jesus’ life on earth.  The crucifixion was Jesus’ ultimate act of self-denial.  Now he says to us, “Follow me.  Be like me. Live like me.  Be willing to die like me.  Say ‘No’ to your own selfish interests and submit entirely to the Father in heaven like me.”

It is impossible to be a disciple of Jesus Christ without learning to recognize those forks in the road where God tells us to abandon our own plans and walk in a different direction.  I am blessed in that the Holy Spirit has allowed me to recognize a few of those forks over the years.

Denying yourself is not easy.  In fact, it can be painful.

It’s not something we can do expecting immediate “blessings.”  Sometimes the rewards for obedience don’t appear for years.  Maybe they won’t appear until eternity.  At other times, the benefits become obvious in the moment.  In any case, we don’t follow Jesus because he is a cosmic gumball machine dispensing instant, observable blessings for our every action.

Sometimes self-denial entails immediate suffering.  But we do it anyway, gladly, willingly and repeatedly simply because we need to be with Jesus.  We love him, and we know that life does not make sense for us anywhere else but at his side.  As Kierkegaard wisely observed:

“If you will believe, then you will…accept Christianity on any terms…then you will say: Whether it is a help or a torment, I want only one thing, I want to belong to Christ, I want to be a Christian.”

For as long as I could remember, I had always wanted to be a wildlife biologist.  Trekking through the wildness, studying wild animals, learning their hidden secrets and behaviors that no one else had yet to witness, this was my lifelong dream as a child.

I chose my university accordingly.  The University of Montana was the only place for me.  Between its department of Wildlife Biology and the presence of Dr. John Craighead, my childhood hero and an American pioneer in modern ecology and wildlife studies, moving into the university dormitory made me as happy as a 17-year-old pig in slop.

I had qualified for the on-campus work study program so I hightailed it over to the office of the Montana Cooperative Wildlife Research Unity, founded by Dr. Craighead, and I asked for a job.  Over the next several years my dreams started to come true.  I became an assistant to several doctoral students, helping them in their field research.  I was living my dream and the signs all seemed to say, ‘Full steam ahead.’

But I also hooked up with another group in my freshman year:  Inter-Varsity Christian Fellowship.  I attended their Large Group meetings.  I joined a Small Group Bible study, and I became friends with the local IV staff-worker, Marv Anderson.  (Marv and his wife Doreen are dear friends to this day.  I consider him to be one of my spiritual fathers.  Every believer needs someone like Marv in their life.)

Believe it or not, I had been born and raised in the church, but I had always thought very independently about my life.  At the university I began to rub shoulders with young people who talked openly about God’s will for their lives.

What?!  You mean following Jesus meant that I couldn’t just chase after any career I wanted?  I was supposed to pray, listen for answers, ask others for advice and do the things God wanted me to do????  Yikes!  Admittedly, I may have been sleeping during those particular lessons at church, but this was a brand-new attitude for my teenage, embryonic Christian faith.

But, with lots of helpful encouragement and advice from Marv and others, that’s exactly what I began to do.  And I started to realize new things about myself.

First, the Holy Spirit opened my eyes to see that, in large part, my career choice was driven by a major problem in my character.  I have always been an introvert.  Not that there is anything wrong with being an introvert.  I am quite happy with myself in that regard.  But this young man had gone much further into himself and become a good old-fashioned misanthrope.

I did not like people very much.  I was angry and antisocial – yeah, why in the world had I sought out Inter-Varsity?  It must have been the Holy Spirit again.  And I came so see that my desire to live alone in the wildness had as much to do with my dislike for the rest of the human race as it did with my love for animal life.  Yet, I was increasingly impressed by the fact that Jesus loved people.  And if I wanted to follow him, then he wanted me to love people too.

That realization caused me to seriously question whether I could continue calling myself a Christian.  I knew in my guts that no one could say they believed in Jesus while hating other people.  Yet, the last thing I was interested in was learning to love others.  Heck, I didn’t even like myself most of the time!

After a period of great internal wrestling, I concluded that I couldn’t walk away from Jesus.  I knew that I was lost without Him.  It was up to me to change, whether I liked it or not.  So, I added two new requests to my time of daily prayer.

First, I asked Jesus to teach me how to love people as he loved them, to give me his heart for others.

Second, I confessed that my plans for wildlife biology were my own.  I had never before asked the Lord what he wanted to do with my life.  So, I started asking, ‘Jesus, what are your plans for my life?  What did you make me to do?  If you want me to be a biologist, great.  But if you want to take me somewhere else, I will give up biology and do whatever you want.’

If you have checked out the biography on my blog, you will know that I have never worked as a biologist.  After graduation I followed a path into Christian ministry.  Something I never imagined I would do.  I said ‘No’ to my life-long plan – in the middle of seeing it all come true! –  because it had always been my plan.

It turned out that Jesus had a better idea for an introverted misanthrope who had also been given some unexplored gifts in communication and public speaking.

I have never regretted my decision to walk away from biology.  God’s plans for me have meant considerable hardship, at times.  The journey hasn’t always been easy.  There are more stories yet to be told.  But I have never been sorry for the choices I made, because I believe there was no other way for me to keep following after my precious Savior, Jesus Christ.

I thought I was going to the University of Montana to work with John Craighead.  Actually, I went there to meet Marv Anderson…and, of course, my wife Terry.  I had never heard of Marv before, but his model of faithful discipleship changed my life forever.

Learning “to deny myself” ended up saving me from deep personality flaws that were steering me into a life of isolation and loneliness.  Had I stubbornly held on to the person I was at the time, I would have eventually been lost.

Believe me.  Jesus always knows best.  Even when his direction is hard.